John's friend from Florida is in town. He was supposed to go home today or yesterday or tomorrow, but a tragedy that wasn't Hurricane Katrina prevented it. Another friend (Jim's cousin) was in a car accident and is now brain-dead. Jim wanted to hang out with some friends tonight, so John left around 7:30 to meet him. That is when my stomach wrung ever so slightly, and it's been like that ever since.

It's not rational, but no matter how many times I repeat that to myself, I can't loosen the knot in my belly. I wasn't terribly sociable this evening, even a little snappy and irritable. I did a lot today, and I was tired. I was still doing things up until and after he left. Too much work, driving, and a grumpy teenager made me less than pleasant.

It's obvious things haven't been right between John and I, and him being out with Jim worries me. Jim is single, previously married when John was married the first time. Jim never married again, preferring to go out with whomever he wanted. I always sensed John admired Jim--his ease with women, his appeal, his lifestyle. John wishes he could have lived like Jim for about 10 years before he ran into me. I think I can safely say it wouldn't have worked had it played out that way. I'm not attracted to that kind of man, but John does wish it.

So we have a marriage in turmoil, freshly reminded by my unsavory mood, a friend John admires, and strong emotions. Then I think, "The guy's cousin is dead. I'm an idiot!" I drive myself crazy.

I sent a text message soon after John left--a too-late effort to be nice and try to remind him I'm worth being married to. Yes, I've been fretting all night. It's sad.

We have to get things in order between us. It's the precariousness of our relationship that causes my fears. That and him not answering my messages!

OK, I sent one more. How stupid is that? I'll give him until midnight before I try calling. If I can wait that long. I certainly can't sleep. Should I take a bath? I don't know if I can manage reading. That requires some focus, and I have little right now. Writing about it just seems to be getting me into even more of an uproar. I can't quit watching the clock. Why did I have to be so bitchy? Why can't my period be over already? Why did I let myself get so fat? I looked pretty decent when I got home, but I ruined it with my bitchiness. I'm an idiot.

I'll try to read in the tub with both my phones at the ready. Hopefully I won't be too much of an idiot to read.

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One Year Ago Today: