He doesn't return messages. He doesn't call. He just came in, and I'm relieved, but nervous.

His phone is worthless. He said he had it the whole time, but he never heard or felt it. How does that happen? It's ridiculous, and I'm very angry. At the same time, I just want to cry. I want to yell at him and cry. I can't even think. I was doing well too, with the bath and reading. I don't know what to do or say. I cna't say anything without ending up in a many-hour fight. Why am I so hurt by this?

10:41 a.m. - Idiot

Maybe John should have stayed out longer, so I could work through more before he entered the mix. I didn't handle anything well. He rarely handles anything well, and this was no exception. We had a late, rough night. I teetered on the edge of breakdown. More likely, I did break down, tears falling from my eyes in streams without the usual accompanying sobbing, clutching the hem of my nightgown, backing into the corner. I have a hard time, even now, explaining or understanding. I was at a loss, and the pain was so complete. I let go of rationale and was absorbed in the bad emotion. There aren't many occasions losing your head is a good thing, but it's particularly bad when your heart is so tormented.

I wish I would have thought more. I wish I would have tamped down the little bubble before it was filled with ghosts. My unresolved feelings do huant me and turn even the smallest irritants into monsters. Everything won't be solved at once. I know that, but it isn't always there when I need it. I am poor at wrangling the emotions. They have grown large and unruly.

I am sorry for how I handled things. I do want to make my relationship better, and I understand my role better. I wanted it to be all about John, because he has hurt me so much. I do have responsibility and blame. I don't think I can tell him that, because he latches onto my concessions like a drowning man in stormy seas. But I do owe him apologies, and that I will do.

I haven't been very lovable. I'm sure it's my defense. It hurts less to be neglected when I'm bitchy than when I'm vulnerable. I think he's been asking that I make it easier for him to love me. He's already at a disadvantage, and then he has to work through the bristles and barbs I've set around me. He keeps saying we need towork together. He was making an effort. Now it's time for me to show it's worth it.

He may go out with Jim again tonight, and I'm OK with that. He said they talked about visiting one another for hockey games, since Jim also has a season ticket plan in Florida. I can't say I'm OK with that. I'm afraid to bring it up, especially after finding out John confided our marriage situation to Jim last night. I don't like "the way he is" as John put it when I drove him to work today (a way to show I'm sorry). I almost mentioned something about it then, but I used my head this time. IT's a much bigger subject than can be addressed in a ride to work. And I didn't want to ruin what had been a good morning. I'm angry that he told Jim we fight and that John doesn't think he can take it anymore. I'd rather he tell Jim about our sex life than that, but he considers that too private. I consider our fighting and potential collapse too private, which seems contradictory since I write about it online, but that isn't personl. And John knows about it and said it was OK. I wouldn't do it if he objected.

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One Year Ago Today: