I can't wait for him to get home. Just because I want to see him, be with him. I'm sad that he's either going to band practice or out with Jim. I don't want him to go away, to be without him. I don't remember when I last felt that. It's a good feeling. I want to sleep next to him. I want him close to me. I just have to be prepared that he may not feel the same. He may be tired, cranky, and avoidant. Part of what happened last night was he pulled away from me and kept to himself when I felt he should want to be close. I was angry he didn't want to be near me. And so it grew. But I will be prepared and willing to accept whatever mood he's in today.

I will still share my feelings. I will express myself. I will love him. I won't be guarded. Yes, it will be disappointing if he's cold or oblivious, but I won't expect him to be the way I want him to be.

I feel a need to bring up talking about our marriage to other people, but I don't know that this evening is the time. We're both tired, and I don't think I can make any sense of how I feel to anyone, much less him.

10:27 p.m. - No Expectations

That plan worked much better. Hopefully, John won't get sick of me hanging all over him, though I'm sure I'll lapse into bitchiness sometimes, because I can't change that completely that quickly. Things aren't all going to change at once, like John says. And he's right.

I'm determined to finish off my book today. Have I ever been so prolific? The only time may have been when I was working at the podiatrist's and was there by myself all day for two or three days a week. Man, that was boring. I literally had nothing to do all day but answer a phone that almost never rang. Once I did some of the office manager's work, thinking I would help her out rather than drop into a coma. I got in trouble for doing extra work! Unbelievable. I wasn't there long. The doctor was pompous and condescending, and that drove me out of there more than days of brain atrophy.

It was the one job where I had access to a hand gun, which was only scary because it was kept there because the building used to be a psychiatric clinic with some seriously troubled patients who would sometimes return in their confusion. I only looked at the gun one time after being shown where it was in my desk drawer. What I assumed was a patient from the former clinic was outside, yelling and gesturing wildly one day. I locked the doors, called the police, and made sure the gun was still where it should be. And that's about it. The man was taken away, and I didn't have to give so much as a statement.

So here I am on my last page of my paper journal. I'm going to read and sleep. I thought surely sleep would be easy tonight after getting all of three hours last night and not napping. I even nodded off eralier in the living room. Now? Wide awake. I guess I just need my John.

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One Year Ago Today: