What's Up My Butt

I try not to have problems with relatives, particularly in-laws, I really do. I've gotten over a lot of hurt feelings and let go of some of my dreams of harmony. Family relations have gotten better in the past few years. Yet some things never change, and certain expectations and impositions are one of them along with my annoyance because of them.

I can't say I have a bad set of in-laws overall. My mother-in-law and father-in-law are both great. Other people rave about them, so I'm obviously blessed in that department. As always though, there are a few who stir the proverbial pot and send the peaceful waters of the family stew into a full, rolling boil.

I always manage to get myself into the thick of the mess too. I don't think that I try, and I used to think I was sucked into the fray like a small boat in a whirlpool, unaware and helpless. I know now that isn't true. The only reason I'm unaware is because I don't deal with the situation directly. I try to avoid it, deny it and sweep it under the rug. I'm only helpless because I don't choose to do anything about it. Oh sure, I'll bitch and moan about the injustice, lobbying for pity from anyone who will listen. Sometimes I even make a jabbing comment that only vents a little steam rather than resolving the problem. But I never confront the situation and look to make a change, a real change that pulls me out of the downward spiral.

My urge now is still to wallow in blame and self-pity. I would love to relay all the wrongs I believe have been committed against me and others in the family. I know it would make fantastic reading, but there's part of me that keeps saying that's wrong. But I don't believe it's wrong for the reasons someone would probably think. I have no problem with presenting these scenarios as I perceived them. I'm only a little worried about being found out by the person or people that would find my viewpoint offensive. What really concerns me is doing it as yet another form of avoidance. If I vent my frustration and anger here, not only will it do nothing to solve the problem, but it will also remove my impetus for change. I would only feel better until the next transgression.

This time, the irritant was rather small, but when lined up in the long row or irritants, it became that much more irritating. That's because those grating situations are all neatly stacked on top of me rather than being dealt with as they come. Each one adds a little bit more weight to my position. As much as I might think I'm being made to carry this burden, I'm not. The only thing making me continue is the choice I see before me.

Right now, I can only see bearing the burden or causing a huge ruckus that results in people not liking me. Since I've always had a problem with not being liked, that in itself makes the situation troublesome. Add to that the fact that some of the people I feel I would be pissing off are some I would really like to keep liking me. By being direct and "confrontational" in a family full of indirectness, secrets and passive-aggressiveness, I'm setting myself up for a whole lot of trouble. I find myself asking if it's worth it. I mean, this is John's family. Do I really want to alienate them? But this is also my sanity. Do I really want to remain resentful and angry?

I have yet to decide what to do. I'm still new at this business of being direct, so I want to make sure I think everything through before I go wading through the mire. No need to get stuck in quicksand when it can easily be avoided. And if there's no avoiding it, well, I'll just have to see what comes of it. The answer is certainly not coming easily, but what good things do? I might ask for advice, because I am at a loss right now. I still want to think on it for a day or so before I do that though. I'm still angry about the whole thing, and I need to get past that in order to see clearly enough to have any sort of reason in the matter. I never knew sticking up for myself could be so hard.