Supportive Concern
Currently, I am the bedrock of the family. How I managed to get in that position is still a mystery. I suppose it has something to do with shedding my nagging bitch persona and taking on the loving wife one. John needs me right now.
We still aren't very sure what's going on with him. He has some more tests coming in or slated to be done that will reveal more information. The specialist he went to see the other day turned out to be a gastrointestinal doctor. He suspects John might have celiac disease, which is far more restrictive than any low-cholesterol diet. If it turns out to be the case, John will have to go on a gluten-free diet for the rest of his life. That means no wheat, rye, barley, oats or products made with anything from those grains. Some mouthwashes contain gluten as a preservative, and labels are tricky. Gluten hides in lots of things in other forms (such as the preservative), so it's going to be difficult to make this adjustment. And this isn't like diabetes where a person can tolerate a few sweets now and then. Any amount of gluten, no matter how small, is like a nuclear bomb in the intestine. I really hope he doesn't have this.
Besides the severe dietary restrictions, there is the other worry that he's had this for a while (the average time between symptoms and diagnosis in the US is 10 years) and could have secondary complications, including intestinal cancer. I'm trying to be positive and not to latch onto that like I'm prone to do. John really needs positive. He took the high cholesterol and a gluten-free diet hard enough as it is. I don't know how he would deal with any more. More than managing his cholesterol, abiding by a new, restrictive diet, and possible complications, I worry about him, his ability to cope.
John doesn't take change well. Sure, most people don't, but John is much worse. When change stares him in the eye, he usually responds by turning his back and digging in. He can be the most stubborn person on the face of the earth, particularly when change comes at him rather than he going to it. If he decides to change something, there's no stopping him. When it goes the other way though, he becomes immovable. Since he was a child, John always did things his own way, and his family catered to that most of the time. Now he's come to believe that it is his God-given right to do things however he wants. It is, I suppose, because who's going to stop him? But if he wants to be part of a community and a family the way he says he does, that belief doesn't work very well. Counseling has helped him figure that out some, but it's not going to wash it out of him.
The health problems are forcing him to change, whether he likes it or not, and he's sunk into a depression. I think it's normal to be bummed out, but this goes beyond that. When he found out about this possibility on Tuesday, he stayed home from work the rest of the day and refused to go to counseling with me that evening. I practically begged him to go, but he wouldn't do it. I could tell there was no convincing him, so I went myself.
It seems my concerns were more than valid. The counselor felt he needed to be in there too, that this is one of the most important times for him to go. John is King of Avoidance though. Like me, the doctor is worried about him and thinks he really needs to start his individual therapy now. He and I have been doing so well marriage-wise, that there isn't much to do, and we have only been going every other week. It is time for him to work on some of his demons.
When I got home after the session, John asked what we talked about. It was hard to avoid the fact that we did mainly talk about him. He asked me outright if all we did was talk about him. Being rather cunning at avoidance myself, I said no, because that wasn't all we talked about. We did discuss my worries, how I'm holding up, and coping skills, but the focus of the session was definitely John. He didn't ask that though, and I wasn't going to tell him. He has enough worries.
My job right now is to be nice and supportive. I'm doing my best to put good communication skills to work between us and give him a little extra pampering. It's not easy lately, since I've had a strange, non-stop headache for about a week now. It practically incapacitates me some days, and I've felt like a good-for-nothing slob, but he assured me just last night that I've helped him a lot since he found out about all of these health issues. That's good to hear. I was worried he would just see that the laundry isn't as timely and the dishes are piling up, but I guess I've given him enough emotional support to make up for it. That's good, because my head hurts.
Today I have to make an appointment to see the doctor myself. John told me that if he can get poked and prodded like he has the past couple weeks with still more to come, that I can go in for a stupid headache. I don't want to appear like I'm trying to outdo him though. I try to keep it to myself as much as possible, but it's kind of hard when all I can do is lie on the couch and shovel Motrin down my throat. I suppose it's better that I go in and relieve that worry for him. He certainly doesn't need any more. I guess part of me is afraid something else might come up, and then we'll both be ailing. I'd rather just focus on him right now. But I told him I'd call, so I will.
I think I'm going to call my mom too. I could use a little mommy love right now.
One year ago
On Therapy - Feelings about our first marriage counseling session.
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One Year Ago Today:
