What Goes Around

I haven't been writing again. Writing makes me think, and thinking� well, I do way too much thinking as it is. To sit here and purposely think usually puts me in a very foul mood. I'm already fighting being glum almost every single day. I don't need more of it. So I've been avoiding writing. I could write about nice, happy things, except that even when I do that, I end up thinking, Yeah, but it's all a damn lie. You're just putting on a show. Rather than feel like a big fakey fake, I just avoid the whole thing.

Irony loves to kick my ass. Not long ago, I was talking about how avoidant John is, yet here I am doing the very same thing. I don't avoid him, but I avoid enough other things to make us the King and Queen of avoidance.

One thing I've been avoiding like the plague for the past six weeks or so is exercise. I was doing well until then. I ate right, ran, did Tae-Bo, did yoga, and felt pretty good. I was even losing weight at a nice, steady rate. Then The Funk came, and I quit doing all that. Problem is, the exercise is one of the few things that keeps The Funk from unpacking its bags and staying a while. I'm still cleaning up after that bastard, and he's still knocking at the door every other night or so, looking for a place to crash. I've let him back in "only for a night" a couple times now after thinking I kicked him out for good. This time I'm not doing that. Yesterday, I ran for the first time in several weeks, and I felt better than I have in a long time. I didn't hear a peep from The Funk either, so maybe he'll be ruining someone else's life for a while. I know he'll be back. I have to work on finding a way to keep him out for good.

Speaking of dealing with funks, John went to his individual counseling appointment yesterday. He didn't talk much about it afterward. I didn't press it. I think for him to really get anywhere, he's going to have to feel comfortable knowing I won't bug him to know what went on after each session. I just asked him how it went and if he did anything. He said it was fine and that nothing momentous happened. I just reminded him that the momentous part of counseling is all up to him. As much as I wanted to grill him about it the way he did me the week before, I didn't. I wonder how long he'll go by himself this time before he tells me it's not doing anything.

John and I haven't been arguing much at all lately, and that's good, but John has been battling a funk of his own. I worry about him, and it's all I talked about last week at my individual session. He has been different. He's depressed about all these health problems, and he admitted to me about three weeks ago that he's unsure about a lot of things with himself. Of course, that makes me a little nervous, but he tried to assure me more than once that I'm not part of that equation. I hope so.

Despite my own feelings of worthlessness, I think I've done pretty well at maintaining a positive outlook about him and us. I've done my best not to pile my own depression onto his and try to make it easy on him. Somehow, I think playing the happy, supportive partner helped lift me out of my sad feelings a little. When I look outside myself, I do better.

So that's why I haven't been coming here. Not only do I not want to dredge up my own overly abundant thoughts of failure, but I don't want to me Little Miss Whineypants either. If I've truly come out of this and continue running, I think I'll be writing more too, and it will be a helluva lot better than this.